What Can You Do as a Parent?
Examine your expectations: Are they consistent with developmentally normal expectations for 8-11 year olds? See the resource list below for more information. It is important to understand your child's temperament and social style. Some children have one or two best friends while others enjoy having a variety of friends. It's important to recognize and accept that your child may have a social style and needs that differ from your own, which may eliminate some concerns. The goal is for each of us to be comfortable and genuinely satisfied with our own social group and style.
Teach and practice positive social behaviors: Dr. Ron Taffel, Ph.D. recommends that you help your child learn to solve his or her own problems, so that s/he gradually develops greater insight, confidence and social skills. This means avoiding the urge to solve your child's problems for him or her, which is a role into which it is easy to fall. Sometimes it helps to think of yourself as a facilitator of a process rather than the problem solver. The Resolving Conflicts and Solving Problems page has more information.
Teach and model how to patch up fights and disagreements: Modeling these skills in your relationships with your family members is a powerful learning tool for children.
Don't ignore mean behavior: Remember making mistakes is part of the learning process. Comfort the child who has been hurt. State that the mean behavior is inappropriate and what is appropriate: "We don't hit others when we are angry. We use our words." Be specific when describing the inappropriate and appropriate behaviors and words; "We use our hands and feet for helping." Try to determine what motivated the behavior. Does you child lack a skill? Is s/he feeling jealous? hurt? angry? left out? frustrated? Are the adult expectations realistic and developmentally appropriate? Base further intervention on what you discover is behind the behavior.
Share your childhood stories: Share your childhood friendship stories as a means to teach your child about the benefits and challenges of friendships and how to work out problems. Sharing stories teaches children that social difficulties are normal and that you understand.
Use the what-if game: Use the what-if game to reinforce the friendship skills being taught at home and school. Children love this game. You can make up cards with various situations on them. Have a family member pull a card, and then have each person talk about how they would deal with the problem. It helps to have the solution wheel handy. Some families make this a dinner-time routine.
Read aloud with your children: Reading aloud with children is a great way to teach skills as well as open up discussion about their problems, worries and concerns. Click here for children's books that help children develop skills for better peer relationships.
Encourage and praise pro-social behaviors: Catch your child acting in a friendly manner and reinforce it. Also, remember to compliment your childÕs efforts to use positive social behaviors.
Provide opportunities for socialization outside of school: Some children need to be taught how to arrange a play date as well as coached and supported as they become confident in this new skill. See Good Friends Are Hard to Find for more information on this.
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